When are y'all gonna have a baby?!

and other obnoxious things people like to say. Why are we, as people, often times so rude? I think about this in many avenues. I think about the girl who is waiting so patiently, just for him to ask her to marry him...and all the people who say, "when are y'all EVER getting hitched?" It's all in the wording, and yes, I also believe intention should be taken into each case. Some people just don't think. The two major comments/questions I have issues with are as follows:

"What are you guys waiting for? You've been married forever!"

Ok people...for starters, if we've been married "this long" and by your accounts, apparently being selfish, there are more than likely two reasons. 1)maybe we DON'T WANT KIDS!! So go eat a donut and bother someone else(obviously, y'all know in my life, this isn't the case) but for lots of people, this is the truth. and it's their choice...or 2) We are struggling and trying and dealing w/the pain that it's not as easy as all those stupid lifetime movies(false advertising) make it seem! Like drinking water knocks you up! I mean, it's one thing to say "so are you two planning on having any little ones?" this doesn't bother me, but to insinuate that I should "get on it" when you don't know jack, is just ignorant.

I used to be demure and just respond in the proper Southern way "oh, you know, eventually one day" Now you ask that, and the more than likely retort you're getting is "We've been "on it" for years, I've had numerous surgeries and it's a very painful, PRIVATE experience!" in other words...go away and get some couth, you jack @ss...but I still smile sweetly, so this makes it ok, right?!;)

and the second, and almost even worse sentiment, and it always comes from someone who already has kids and who have firsthand knowledge of my struggle, and it usually comes when they're sleep deprived, money deprived or sanity deprived, from their own children(in some cases..all three, simultaneously)

"You sure you want kids? Maybe you should be glad you get to do whatever you want."

This one in particular INFURIATES me to no end! How dare you, knowing what I wish for, say such a thing?! I mean really, so if given the chance to change it all, you would look at your children, even in the bad days, and choose to not have them in your life, you'd go back and do it over?! I doubt it. I would gladly give up the trips, the nights of freedom and the other numerous sacrifices that you make...just for one look into my baby's eyes, one small smile from my own child...and the one day I get called mommy and my husband walks through the door after work and my child's face lights up. I am well aware that it isn't all peaches and roses. I already suffer from bipolar and depression, so the mommy blues are more than like in my future, but I believe it will still be worth it...don't be so heartless to question my right to INSANITY!

miscarriage...of fairness

For a very long time I had been told we would have trouble getting pregnant. I had already undergone three surgeries for endomtetriosis(also see torture) and cysts...on top of this I was heavier, and by heavier I mean a FATTY as in 5'3 237 lbs. So this wasn't exactly helping out. Ya feel me?

So imagine my surprise and horror when, I was at the emergency room for, what I had just assumed was another burst cyst, when the dr comes in and lays this on me "Well, the good news is you were only 6-8 weeks along and from your ultrasound we can see it was your fibroid that basically "squished" the fetus and made it impossible for it to come to term. You must get this taken care of before you guys get pregnant again" I sat there in this cold, sterile room w/my heart shattering, by myself(I hadn't called my husband b/c, quite frankly, burst cyst were commonplace in my world, so why bother for that) and the realization that the baby I had prayed for so diligently, had passed away. Sorry for those of you who don't think it's a baby...good for you, but it is, and you won't find a woman who understands that perspective here.(and this isn't in judgement, it's simply my opinion) It was my BABY, not a "fetus" as the dr. so nonchalantly pointed out. This is my main problem w/some dr.'s. I get that you do this everyday, but not me, this is real and this is my life and my heartbreak and it, quite frankly, sucked...hard core.

I can at least take heart in the fact that I didn't know I was pregnant...I feel like, if I had, and woken up to the blood, that the utter devastation I had felt would have been too much to take. I believe this was the Lord's blessing upon me. I also believe that a miscarriage is God's way of preventing further hurt, that perhaps the baby would be too sick to make it, or my own body would have been unable to carry the pregnancy w/out major complications. I do not really understand. I only know my faith is real and while, I sometimes wonder what His plan is, I don't doubt that He has one. I just often doubt I'm strong enough to accept it, but that's my burden and not His.

Since then...I've lost weight, just a "small" amount of ...82lbs, that's right...I got healthy and my husband got his hottie back;) My goal is 18 more, but we shall see...for now, I'm taking it everyday, by day. My smaller size should help in the baby making process after this next surgery...but we shall see.

For now, I must see to some wedding everyone's talking about... supposedly it's gonna be a "royally" good time;)

Life changes, yet always stays the same...

Three plus years have gone by since I last blogged...I had completely forgotten about this, to be honest. Yet, as I re-read my thoughts and emotions from back then, I realized, as a lump came into my throat and my eyes welled w/tears: I am still battling the EXACT SAME STRUGGLE! I still desperately want the one thing that continues to evade me...BABY BALDASSARI! I also ascertained that my love of grammar was on an apparent hiatus in my previous posts...gulp( but there will probably still be a few snafus here and there, ergo; don't read this if you care that much)

The only difference is, I have learned much more about myself. Things I don't necessarily like that much...and the good parts about myself. The hardest was when some friends of ours got pregnant a few years ago, and much to my chagrin and embarrassment, I burst into tears upon hearing the news. I was so overly devastated, that I couldn't be happy for anyone else anymore. And the worst part was that we were w/mutual friends who, not only witnessed my melt down, but truly saw the most vulnerable part of my heart. It was the first time I cried myself to sleep, body wracking sobs, for hours upon hours...since the death of someone I loved.

The next morning I got up, looked at my puffy tear stained face(ummm, I am one of those "ugly criers", those of you who look cute while crying...I probably hate you) and I cried all over again when the realization that my tears came at the expense of someone else's pure joy. It was a defining moment for me, the split second of realizing I wasn't as good a person as I had previously thought. That I couldn't muster up a smile for these people that I not only loved, but respected. Who was I to question their right to have one before me? It was not the best feeling I've ever had, but after speaking to numerous other women...I am not alone in this shame, which while it doesn't make it right, it makes me human, kinda like my love of the Kardashians, even though they are ridiculous(it's probably the fact that I have a ginourmous butt like Kim...hey, Like Shakira says"these hips don't lie"). It gets the best of us. and since then I've learned to truly embrace my loved ones journey's to motherhood. After all...I have now given baby showers to count it, 14 women in the previous three years...ones who didn't even KNOW their hubbies when I celebrated my 5 year WEDDING annv. If this will not get to you to accept your humble road and get peppy...Nothing will;)

Anyways...I will write more over the next few days/weeks as to what my life has entailed the previous three years. Losing a baby, more surgeries, job changes...and the love for my husband and my unquestionable faith in my Saviour...who, no matter whether I get it or not, does things in His perfect timing and I better get w/the program!

But until then, the one verse that has and always will sustain me:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

Right on time

After my last blog I realize how the Lord surely works in mysterious ways. I went to check out a new church that is closer than the one we've been attending & the topic was mountain moving prayers. The pastor spoke about how we all tend to pray in ER situations & when God pulls thru for us we say thank you & then don't talk to him again until we need him. However if you have something in your life that is such a burden to you you must continually pray that God can move that mountain for you & be prepared for him to answer in his own time & ask yourself if you're also doing your part.
He then spoke about the the burden his wife & he had was trying to have a baby & how God was already working his plan. He asked why he a man of the word was not granted the one desire of his heart & he wrote in his journal the depths of his sorrow & despair & one year to the day his baby girl came into the world.

The funny thing is I realized after that service that my church is where i need to be no matter how far the drive but i also know w/out a doubt I was meant to be in that service on that day!

Maybe I'll have news soon but if not the Lord is granting me some peace in the matter.

am I going about this the right way?

This life is sometimes so amazing & so frustrating all @ the same time. Many times I am so overwhelmed with things & wonder if i have a baby will i even be able to keep up with it all?
My illness is so consuming sometimes that I wonder if this is why the Lord has chosen to not bless me with a baby yet.

I do this sometimes & i wonder if we don't all do these sorts of things. I am so secure in my beliefs but i also find myself questioning His purpose & wonder if He's sure he knows what He's doing? Yet of course He does. There are the times situations arise & I cannot possibly see what God's plan from this can possibly be. On many things I still am not sure what good has come but in other situations I can feel his presence so surely that I'm awed by His workings.

I am mainly frustrated when I find myself playing a mind game with myself. Am i too mean to my husband sometimes? Did I push him to hard,did I do so many sins that God is punishing me? Do I believe this NO but sometimes Satan can have such a pull on your mind.

I will sometimes wonder what if It's not In God's plan for my life not to be a mother. The thought utterly devastates me but do I have enough faith in him that i would be the woman he needs me to be? Maybe right now he needs me to be consumed with Him only he wants to know He & He alone can suffice to take care of my needs .

I am so grateful to the Lord for the amazing life he has granted me so far. I have been to the bottom of the barrel more than once in my life but @ the same time I have people who genuinely
love me. My husband alone is an amazing gift most people can only wish for.

One of my favorite quotes is "why even pray to God when you're too busy coming up with your own answer that you miss the one God has in store for you"

I hope That baby is in my future but till then may i be a woman in love with her husband & be satisfied with that even when it hurts real bad!

pregnancy test...more like torture test

2 lines means pregger one means no, if it makes a cross you're definitely positive...umm is that 2 lines or not? Let's go buy 5 more just 2 be sure!

Anyone who has EVER taken a home pregnancy test knows what I mean! these things are cruel & unusual punishment. I swear every time one of these things tell me no I'm sure for just a second it flashes the word "haha" in there somewhere.

Who came up with these things anyways? I'm thinking that when I buy a box of more than one there's always the one test that has an error. Is this some sick scam to make money off us desperate woman? I wouldn't doubt it.

The joy of having to pee on a stick & somehow you always pee on your hand. My friends all say pee in a cup & then dip the stick in the cup. They tell me it's foolproof-umm am I the only one who never makes it home & must use the test @ the store for fear of bursting with excitement?

Yes...I'm sooo happy for you...no really I am

I find myself saying this lately. A whole lot as a matter of fact. I think to everyone I know. I really am happy for other people when I find out they apparently have drawn the bigger straw than me & are allowed to make a baby! I know my voice drips w/ sarcasm but I somehow do feel happy for other people I just feel really sucky for myself.

I really want a baby sooo much. Sure babies are adorable & will be super cute but I want to be a mommy. I have this overwhelming urge to just nuzzle w/ every baby I see. They are amazing. I'm so mystified by these little beings who have the ability to make my whole world seem different.

I will admit the great thing about everyone I know having babies is I get to do a whole lot of holding & cooing & just plain loving. The downside to this is when I must give them back & I fell the lump in my throat rising & my heart fill up w/ an emptiness I never knew existed.

I guess till then we will have to keep up the baby-making triathlons. I will touch base more on that side of things later.