miscarriage...of fairness

For a very long time I had been told we would have trouble getting pregnant. I had already undergone three surgeries for endomtetriosis(also see torture) and cysts...on top of this I was heavier, and by heavier I mean a FATTY as in 5'3 237 lbs. So this wasn't exactly helping out. Ya feel me?

So imagine my surprise and horror when, I was at the emergency room for, what I had just assumed was another burst cyst, when the dr comes in and lays this on me "Well, the good news is you were only 6-8 weeks along and from your ultrasound we can see it was your fibroid that basically "squished" the fetus and made it impossible for it to come to term. You must get this taken care of before you guys get pregnant again" I sat there in this cold, sterile room w/my heart shattering, by myself(I hadn't called my husband b/c, quite frankly, burst cyst were commonplace in my world, so why bother for that) and the realization that the baby I had prayed for so diligently, had passed away. Sorry for those of you who don't think it's a baby...good for you, but it is, and you won't find a woman who understands that perspective here.(and this isn't in judgement, it's simply my opinion) It was my BABY, not a "fetus" as the dr. so nonchalantly pointed out. This is my main problem w/some dr.'s. I get that you do this everyday, but not me, this is real and this is my life and my heartbreak and it, quite frankly, sucked...hard core.

I can at least take heart in the fact that I didn't know I was pregnant...I feel like, if I had, and woken up to the blood, that the utter devastation I had felt would have been too much to take. I believe this was the Lord's blessing upon me. I also believe that a miscarriage is God's way of preventing further hurt, that perhaps the baby would be too sick to make it, or my own body would have been unable to carry the pregnancy w/out major complications. I do not really understand. I only know my faith is real and while, I sometimes wonder what His plan is, I don't doubt that He has one. I just often doubt I'm strong enough to accept it, but that's my burden and not His.

Since then...I've lost weight, just a "small" amount of ...82lbs, that's right...I got healthy and my husband got his hottie back;) My goal is 18 more, but we shall see...for now, I'm taking it everyday, by day. My smaller size should help in the baby making process after this next surgery...but we shall see.

For now, I must see to some wedding everyone's talking about... supposedly it's gonna be a "royally" good time;)