Life changes, yet always stays the same...

Three plus years have gone by since I last blogged...I had completely forgotten about this, to be honest. Yet, as I re-read my thoughts and emotions from back then, I realized, as a lump came into my throat and my eyes welled w/tears: I am still battling the EXACT SAME STRUGGLE! I still desperately want the one thing that continues to evade me...BABY BALDASSARI! I also ascertained that my love of grammar was on an apparent hiatus in my previous posts...gulp( but there will probably still be a few snafus here and there, ergo; don't read this if you care that much)

The only difference is, I have learned much more about myself. Things I don't necessarily like that much...and the good parts about myself. The hardest was when some friends of ours got pregnant a few years ago, and much to my chagrin and embarrassment, I burst into tears upon hearing the news. I was so overly devastated, that I couldn't be happy for anyone else anymore. And the worst part was that we were w/mutual friends who, not only witnessed my melt down, but truly saw the most vulnerable part of my heart. It was the first time I cried myself to sleep, body wracking sobs, for hours upon hours...since the death of someone I loved.

The next morning I got up, looked at my puffy tear stained face(ummm, I am one of those "ugly criers", those of you who look cute while crying...I probably hate you) and I cried all over again when the realization that my tears came at the expense of someone else's pure joy. It was a defining moment for me, the split second of realizing I wasn't as good a person as I had previously thought. That I couldn't muster up a smile for these people that I not only loved, but respected. Who was I to question their right to have one before me? It was not the best feeling I've ever had, but after speaking to numerous other women...I am not alone in this shame, which while it doesn't make it right, it makes me human, kinda like my love of the Kardashians, even though they are ridiculous(it's probably the fact that I have a ginourmous butt like Kim...hey, Like Shakira says"these hips don't lie"). It gets the best of us. and since then I've learned to truly embrace my loved ones journey's to motherhood. After all...I have now given baby showers to count it, 14 women in the previous three years...ones who didn't even KNOW their hubbies when I celebrated my 5 year WEDDING annv. If this will not get to you to accept your humble road and get peppy...Nothing will;)

Anyways...I will write more over the next few days/weeks as to what my life has entailed the previous three years. Losing a baby, more surgeries, job changes...and the love for my husband and my unquestionable faith in my Saviour...who, no matter whether I get it or not, does things in His perfect timing and I better get w/the program!

But until then, the one verse that has and always will sustain me:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11