If adoption wasn't done on paper and was just based on love and who would work as hard as possible to give the baby a great home...all mommies to be would be lined up to give me their babies...but you see, I have one slight disadvantage. it's called bipolar. The one word that doesn't exactly conjure up images of happiness and bliss. Nor should it, if so, my life would be a lot different.
To people who are just "learning" me, the reaction I get when they first discover this tid bit of information normally garneres two separate reactions: "No way? You just seem so sure of yourself, so ready to take the world on and such a go getter that nothing could get the better of" To this I normally say " I wear a mighty fine mask" the second reaction is usually thought about for a minute and the person says..."You know, now some things make sense"
I have battled this illness for 17 years now, at times it has been all consuming. I have felt there was no way out. The pits of despair owning me, having such power over me that I could do nothing but sit on the floor and cry and cry more and then more. There have been the times where I don't take a shower for 2/3 days...The reason? I have looked at it and just burst into tears b/c I am so incredibly exhausted that the mere thought of having to get out after I am done, was so overwhelming, so unattainable, that I have sat outside the shower door and cried till my husband got home. He will ask "honey, what's wrong?!" and the part that I hate most about this illness is this...Most of the freaking time I don't know why I'm crying, I don't have a "specific" thing wrong. I just can't make it...right. I will sleep for hours upon hours and I.am.still.tired. and from what? Nothing, yeah, that's my addition to society. but this isn't all the time.
and then to the opposite spectrum. I will ramble, my thoughts will become jumbled, I have so many thoughts racing upon my mind that what I am saying makes perfect sense to me, but others are just trying to keep up. When I get nervous it becomes much more apparent. I am often talking to new people and I.just.keep.talking. and TALKING. In my mind I am like, "please shut up"...and this is like a challenge to myself and I talk more. My sweet sis in law knows this best. She can tell when it has a hold of me and when she is around she is my calming ground. I can literally go DAYS w/out sleep. and I mean days as in plural and each one holds 24 hrs, ya know. It is fabulous. Not really.
From 15 to 22 I battled just to be "normal" I tried to take my life and almost succeeded, but you see, God has grander plans and you can't go if he ain't ready for you! I spent time in hospital after hospital. You know "hospitals" only locked doors and I couldn't have a razor to shave my freakin legs when I wanted, but I could have as much corn on the cob as I wanted. and never ending coke(ummm, and by coke I mean a cola, drugs are prevalent there, but mainly the ever great zoloft) Trying to get my brain to "cooperate" I suffered from seizures, brought about by brain damage suffered from my attempt on my life. This is cool. Yeah, all those ambulatory, three night wearing...EEG's. and I did it to myself. Winner, winner...chicken dinner.I can tell you there are some C.R.A.Z.Y. people out there, me, I am as normal as they come. Lest you doubt. So I am allowed to make fun of crazy people...I kinda am! haha ok, who out there is really quote on quote normal anyways. They're probably boring.
Then at 22 something happened...I met this boy and he changed my life. He made me feel beautiful, he knew about my illness, he saw past it and was the first person to see the real me. The good, the bad and the plain old ugly, and he loved me anyways. even in the moments I tried hard to give him reasons to leave. He would read and read and read about this illness, and ps. this is awesome in theory, but when you are in the midst of a real bad, shall we be PC and call it an "episode"? you don't want logic or reason, you just want your mind to be your friend, not your enemy and he will catch the brunt of my hurt. Medicine gives me very bad side effects...shaking, vomiting weight gain(like my body needs a reason to gain weight, I look at a cook book and my thighs enlarge) so I don't really take it too much...but he has made this change. I am still working to be better, but it's a work in progress. I cannot and will not let this illness define me. It won't win. I am too strong for that. If you have never met my hubs, then it's a sad day for you. He is the greatest. I often forget this. i most certainly don't always relay this to him, in words or actions, but I believe it, b/c you see he saw a broken girl and he loved her anyways. He saw my scrapes and bruises and most importantly...my flaws and he loved me in spite of them. It is easy to love the good things about a person. the laughter, the fun times, the goodness...but to love a person in spite of their best efforts to the contrary...is a blessing I don't deserve, but I got it.
So you see "on paper" I'm not the best candidate for a baby...but babies aren't raised on paper. they are raised in a home full of love and the ability to give care, compassion and a belief that you can be what you want to be. A lot of hard work, money and yes, even more tired than I already am, but I figure the baby and I can just cry together;) A mom and a dad that will love them w/a reckless abandon and if I can't have "my own baby" I hope beyond hope that paper gets thrown out w/the trash. Where it belongs.
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