The adoption non option

Why don't you guys just adopt? This is a frequently asked question and I have many friends who have gone this route and have blessings upon blessings stowed upon them. Let me first say that I have absolutely no aversion to adoption. Since I am the woman that stops in my tracks to gaze at(want to take and run)every baby I see, I would love any baby given to me.

If adoption wasn't done on paper and was just based on love and who would work as hard as possible to give the baby a great home...all mommies to be would be lined up to give me their babies...but you see, I have one slight disadvantage. it's called bipolar. The one word that doesn't exactly conjure up images of happiness and bliss. Nor should it, if so, my life would be a lot different.

To people who are just "learning" me, the reaction I get when they first discover this tid bit of information normally garneres two separate reactions: "No way? You just seem so sure of yourself, so ready to take the world on and such a go getter that nothing could get the better of" To this I normally say " I wear a mighty fine mask" the second reaction is usually thought about for a minute and the person says..."You know, now some things make sense"

I have battled this illness for 17 years now, at times it has been all consuming. I have felt there was no way out. The pits of despair owning me, having such power over me that I could do nothing but sit on the floor and cry and cry more and then more. There have been the times where I don't take a shower for 2/3 days...The reason? I have looked at it and just burst into tears b/c I am so incredibly exhausted that the mere thought of having to get out after I am done, was so overwhelming, so unattainable, that I have sat outside the shower door and cried till my husband got home. He will ask "honey, what's wrong?!" and the part that I hate most about this illness is this...Most of the freaking time I don't know why I'm crying, I don't have a "specific" thing wrong. I just can't make it...right. I will sleep for hours upon hours and I.am.still.tired. and from what? Nothing, yeah, that's my addition to society. but this isn't all the time.

and then to the opposite spectrum. I will ramble, my thoughts will become jumbled, I have so many thoughts racing upon my mind that what I am saying makes perfect sense to me, but others are just trying to keep up. When I get nervous it becomes much more apparent. I am often talking to new people and I.just.keep.talking. and TALKING. In my mind I am like, "please shut up"...and this is like a challenge to myself and I talk more. My sweet sis in law knows this best. She can tell when it has a hold of me and when she is around she is my calming ground. I can literally go DAYS w/out sleep. and I mean days as in plural and each one holds 24 hrs, ya know. It is fabulous. Not really.

From 15 to 22 I battled just to be "normal" I tried to take my life and almost succeeded, but you see, God has grander plans and you can't go if he ain't ready for you! I spent time in hospital after hospital. You know "hospitals" only locked doors and I couldn't have a razor to shave my freakin legs when I wanted, but I could have as much corn on the cob as I wanted. and never ending coke(ummm, and by coke I mean a cola, drugs are prevalent there, but mainly the ever great zoloft) Trying to get my brain to "cooperate" I suffered from seizures, brought about by brain damage suffered from my attempt on my life. This is cool. Yeah, all those ambulatory, three night wearing...EEG's. and I did it to myself. Winner, winner...chicken dinner.I can tell you there are some C.R.A.Z.Y. people out there, me, I am as normal as they come. Lest you doubt. So I am allowed to make fun of crazy people...I kinda am! haha ok, who out there is really quote on quote normal anyways. They're probably boring.

Then at 22 something happened...I met this boy and he changed my life. He made me feel beautiful, he knew about my illness, he saw past it and was the first person to see the real me. The good, the bad and the plain old ugly, and he loved me anyways. even in the moments I tried hard to give him reasons to leave. He would read and read and read about this illness, and ps. this is awesome in theory, but when you are in the midst of a real bad, shall we be PC and call it an "episode"? you don't want logic or reason, you just want your mind to be your friend, not your enemy and he will catch the brunt of my hurt. Medicine gives me very bad side effects...shaking, vomiting weight gain(like my body needs a reason to gain weight, I look at a cook book and my thighs enlarge) so I don't really take it too much...but he has made this change. I am still working to be better, but it's a work in progress. I cannot and will not let this illness define me. It won't win. I am too strong for that. If you have never met my hubs, then it's a sad day for you. He is the greatest. I often forget this. i most certainly don't always relay this to him, in words or actions, but I believe it, b/c you see he saw a broken girl and he loved her anyways. He saw my scrapes and bruises and most importantly...my flaws and he loved me in spite of them. It is easy to love the good things about a person. the laughter, the fun times, the goodness...but to love a person in spite of their best efforts to the contrary...is a blessing I don't deserve, but I got it.

So you see "on paper" I'm not the best candidate for a baby...but babies aren't raised on paper. they are raised in a home full of love and the ability to give care, compassion and a belief that you can be what you want to be. A lot of hard work, money and yes, even more tired than I already am, but I figure the baby and I can just cry together;) A mom and a dad that will love them w/a reckless abandon and if I can't have "my own baby" I hope beyond hope that paper gets thrown out w/the trash. Where it belongs.

Un-Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day...a day that could remind me of what I'm not. Instead is the the day to see my momma and realize what I can strive to be. I am very lucky. My mom has her quirks(don't we all, I say, don't we all) but no matter what I struggled w/in my life: whether it be heartbreak or triumph, a boy hurting my feelings or a friend letting me down...I never questioned that she had my back or that if I did something wrong, she still loved me, but I better try to make it right.

My mom is my moral compass. She listened to my hurts, dried my tears and pushed me to succeed. She loves us each, almost to a fault. I was her only girl growing up. Three brothers and me. I hated this and wanted a sister. God did me one better, he gave my brothers amazing wives and I got to keep my "only girl" status. see: win/win. The times we can drive each other bonkers, I look at our life and see that our decisions, good and bad, came from her and my dad. I appreciate her most when I look back on this. The fact that we chose so well in our other halves, are a reflection of how they raised us.

So one day, when it's finally my turn and I get my chance to celebrate "Mother's Day", I only hope that I am half as good at is as she was....she wasn't perfect, but she taught me to love and trust in the One that was.

Baby love...any way I can get it.

This past year has been an interesting one, with many firsts. I had spent the last few years working in payroll for a restaurant franchise. It was monotonous work, but it kept me busy and still allotted for our traipsing across the country, in our many endeavors. However, last summer I was informed they were outsourcing my position and would eventually be laid off. I remember having mixed emotions: as much as I oft complained, I enjoyed the people I worked with and was left to wonder what to do with myself.

Since my husband has a very good job, it was not immediately pertinent for me to find income. I remember the first few weeks thinking "heck yea, shopping, laying out at the pool everyday, watching as many Sportscenters as I possibly can, & catching up on the DVR, and my favorite: reading, reading, and oh yeah...more reading, my life is free and easy." Let me tell you, this is cool for 2.5 hrs and then, as a grown woman w/no children, being a "stay at home wife" isn't anywhere nearly as "glamorous" as it may seem, as a matter of fact, it is lame. You begin to question your self worth, wondering what you possibly have to offer, how did your poor husband get stuck w/you. plus, let's be serious, if you can't keep your house perfectly spotless and a mighty fine meal on the table, for when your hubs walks in from his day of "actual work" you have failed as a wife...but man, doesn't he know E TV has a way of entrancing you and one hour becomes six?!

After a few months of this I looked into volunteering. I looked and looked. I really wanted to help out in some local churches. However, every one I looked into only had a "need" for filing paperwork in their offices. I'm sorry, but that's not "volunteering" or the "Lord's work" that is something that you should be paying someone $10 an hour to do! With help from the hubs, I eventually stumbled upon a Catholic school near my house that had need of a nursery worker two-three days a week. Babies, babies, babies...jackpot, jackpot, jackpot!!!!

I have been doing this for about six months now and I feel it's right where I am supposed to be. I get cuddles in as much as possible. I have seen first smiles, awaited that first roll over, and cheered mightily as my favorite(yes, sorry, I'm human...I definitely have a favorite) "Chubs" as we call her took her first few steps! And the cool experience is that her mom is a teacher in the school and we got to rush find her and let her also enjoy the moment.

Sometimes life doesn't happen the way we want or expect, therefore it's up to us to seek the small moments of joy and contentment anyway we can!

When are y'all gonna have a baby?!

and other obnoxious things people like to say. Why are we, as people, often times so rude? I think about this in many avenues. I think about the girl who is waiting so patiently, just for him to ask her to marry him...and all the people who say, "when are y'all EVER getting hitched?" It's all in the wording, and yes, I also believe intention should be taken into each case. Some people just don't think. The two major comments/questions I have issues with are as follows:

"What are you guys waiting for? You've been married forever!"

Ok people...for starters, if we've been married "this long" and by your accounts, apparently being selfish, there are more than likely two reasons. 1)maybe we DON'T WANT KIDS!! So go eat a donut and bother someone else(obviously, y'all know in my life, this isn't the case) but for lots of people, this is the truth. and it's their choice...or 2) We are struggling and trying and dealing w/the pain that it's not as easy as all those stupid lifetime movies(false advertising) make it seem! Like drinking water knocks you up! I mean, it's one thing to say "so are you two planning on having any little ones?" this doesn't bother me, but to insinuate that I should "get on it" when you don't know jack, is just ignorant.

I used to be demure and just respond in the proper Southern way "oh, you know, eventually one day" Now you ask that, and the more than likely retort you're getting is "We've been "on it" for years, I've had numerous surgeries and it's a very painful, PRIVATE experience!" in other words...go away and get some couth, you jack @ss...but I still smile sweetly, so this makes it ok, right?!;)

and the second, and almost even worse sentiment, and it always comes from someone who already has kids and who have firsthand knowledge of my struggle, and it usually comes when they're sleep deprived, money deprived or sanity deprived, from their own children(in some cases..all three, simultaneously)

"You sure you want kids? Maybe you should be glad you get to do whatever you want."

This one in particular INFURIATES me to no end! How dare you, knowing what I wish for, say such a thing?! I mean really, so if given the chance to change it all, you would look at your children, even in the bad days, and choose to not have them in your life, you'd go back and do it over?! I doubt it. I would gladly give up the trips, the nights of freedom and the other numerous sacrifices that you make...just for one look into my baby's eyes, one small smile from my own child...and the one day I get called mommy and my husband walks through the door after work and my child's face lights up. I am well aware that it isn't all peaches and roses. I already suffer from bipolar and depression, so the mommy blues are more than like in my future, but I believe it will still be worth it...don't be so heartless to question my right to INSANITY!

miscarriage...of fairness

For a very long time I had been told we would have trouble getting pregnant. I had already undergone three surgeries for endomtetriosis(also see torture) and cysts...on top of this I was heavier, and by heavier I mean a FATTY as in 5'3 237 lbs. So this wasn't exactly helping out. Ya feel me?

So imagine my surprise and horror when, I was at the emergency room for, what I had just assumed was another burst cyst, when the dr comes in and lays this on me "Well, the good news is you were only 6-8 weeks along and from your ultrasound we can see it was your fibroid that basically "squished" the fetus and made it impossible for it to come to term. You must get this taken care of before you guys get pregnant again" I sat there in this cold, sterile room w/my heart shattering, by myself(I hadn't called my husband b/c, quite frankly, burst cyst were commonplace in my world, so why bother for that) and the realization that the baby I had prayed for so diligently, had passed away. Sorry for those of you who don't think it's a baby...good for you, but it is, and you won't find a woman who understands that perspective here.(and this isn't in judgement, it's simply my opinion) It was my BABY, not a "fetus" as the dr. so nonchalantly pointed out. This is my main problem w/some dr.'s. I get that you do this everyday, but not me, this is real and this is my life and my heartbreak and it, quite frankly, sucked...hard core.

I can at least take heart in the fact that I didn't know I was pregnant...I feel like, if I had, and woken up to the blood, that the utter devastation I had felt would have been too much to take. I believe this was the Lord's blessing upon me. I also believe that a miscarriage is God's way of preventing further hurt, that perhaps the baby would be too sick to make it, or my own body would have been unable to carry the pregnancy w/out major complications. I do not really understand. I only know my faith is real and while, I sometimes wonder what His plan is, I don't doubt that He has one. I just often doubt I'm strong enough to accept it, but that's my burden and not His.

Since then...I've lost weight, just a "small" amount of ...82lbs, that's right...I got healthy and my husband got his hottie back;) My goal is 18 more, but we shall see...for now, I'm taking it everyday, by day. My smaller size should help in the baby making process after this next surgery...but we shall see.

For now, I must see to some wedding everyone's talking about... supposedly it's gonna be a "royally" good time;)

Life changes, yet always stays the same...

Three plus years have gone by since I last blogged...I had completely forgotten about this, to be honest. Yet, as I re-read my thoughts and emotions from back then, I realized, as a lump came into my throat and my eyes welled w/tears: I am still battling the EXACT SAME STRUGGLE! I still desperately want the one thing that continues to evade me...BABY BALDASSARI! I also ascertained that my love of grammar was on an apparent hiatus in my previous posts...gulp( but there will probably still be a few snafus here and there, ergo; don't read this if you care that much)

The only difference is, I have learned much more about myself. Things I don't necessarily like that much...and the good parts about myself. The hardest was when some friends of ours got pregnant a few years ago, and much to my chagrin and embarrassment, I burst into tears upon hearing the news. I was so overly devastated, that I couldn't be happy for anyone else anymore. And the worst part was that we were w/mutual friends who, not only witnessed my melt down, but truly saw the most vulnerable part of my heart. It was the first time I cried myself to sleep, body wracking sobs, for hours upon hours...since the death of someone I loved.

The next morning I got up, looked at my puffy tear stained face(ummm, I am one of those "ugly criers", those of you who look cute while crying...I probably hate you) and I cried all over again when the realization that my tears came at the expense of someone else's pure joy. It was a defining moment for me, the split second of realizing I wasn't as good a person as I had previously thought. That I couldn't muster up a smile for these people that I not only loved, but respected. Who was I to question their right to have one before me? It was not the best feeling I've ever had, but after speaking to numerous other women...I am not alone in this shame, which while it doesn't make it right, it makes me human, kinda like my love of the Kardashians, even though they are ridiculous(it's probably the fact that I have a ginourmous butt like Kim...hey, Like Shakira says"these hips don't lie"). It gets the best of us. and since then I've learned to truly embrace my loved ones journey's to motherhood. After all...I have now given baby showers to count it, 14 women in the previous three years...ones who didn't even KNOW their hubbies when I celebrated my 5 year WEDDING annv. If this will not get to you to accept your humble road and get peppy...Nothing will;)

Anyways...I will write more over the next few days/weeks as to what my life has entailed the previous three years. Losing a baby, more surgeries, job changes...and the love for my husband and my unquestionable faith in my Saviour...who, no matter whether I get it or not, does things in His perfect timing and I better get w/the program!

But until then, the one verse that has and always will sustain me:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11